Toxic: extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful

Definition of Tox-ic:  

: containing or being poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation
2: : exhibiting symptoms of infection or toxicosis
3 : : extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful 
4: : relating to or being an asset that has lost so much value that it cannot be sold on the market
Over the past year I  found myself living in two relationships (neither involving family members) that were toxic; one that was exciting but harmful to my soul’s true longing as well as others and the other one that had been maintained due to my inability to speak truth into it and acknowledge that the feelings I had were not that of the other person.

I caused hurt in both individuals.

I wish the hurt, anger, and wounds could have been avoided and looking back I acknowledge that I could have at least eased some of the pain, especially to one individual.

This week I’ve thought of both of these relationships often due to recent conversations that involved their names or to continued reaching out by one of them. My heart aches thinking that I’ve left any bitterness in someone’s mind, that I’ve left the idea lingering that I think they are a “bad” person — this is not true.

Our journeys together were and are over.

We did not bring peace to the world we lived in, rather a toxic, often surface level with heated emotions existence that willingly caused harm to more people than we even wanted to grasp.

One should have never begun but that is a lesson learned in itself and the understanding that I need to find rest in God for these tempestuous emotions.

The second ended without the comprehension of the other person involved. The relationship founded enormously on the other person’s life, initially with my full consent. This turned into draining conversations that left me avoiding phone calls (admittedly not correct way to handle situations) and interaction.

These statements are not intended to mean that I am guiltless in the toxicity of these relationships. I was an active participant and I fully believe that the mixing of our personalities and current situations in life were not life giving — this not making either of us “bad” individuals.

Though good has come from these relationships.

I’ve become a stronger individual that seeks a community of lovers of kindness, action, and accountability.

My truth telling in relationships of all kinds has deepened and my initial status quo mentality has been transformed: redefining and deepening relationships.

The maintaining of daily, immense gratitude for my friends which stayed the course even when I fell into the dark night of the soul for many years. Thank you for loving me when I deserved it the least and for watching me grow with encouragement and without judgement.

My community has flourished since I found love for myself, renewed love for God, and for life in general.

I hope the lesson I’ve most learned by both of these relationships is to live my truth while remaining gentle with myself. 

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Somewhat unrelated quote and link to an affirming article:

“In the meantime, trusting that he knows our needs, can we cast off society’s stereotypes, the shame and the pressure and the judgment, and live FULLY in our own bodies, not needing any other human to make us complete, trusting that if Jesus could do this life alone, we can too?” Excerpt from In which being Single is something to celebrate written by Emily Wierenga

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