I stopped writing recently after I received a very hurtful message from a family member filled with accusations. The black sheep of one side of my family due to functioning and persevering and not falling victim to the situations that I have been either unwillingly or willingly placed within. I chose not to respond, at least until today.
Despite the accusations there is an underlying truth, maybe not so much in the words hurled at me but in my internal response to them. Oddly (or rather normally), good has come out of the hurt. The good being the realization and amazement to the fact that I have the most wonderful family – a family mostly chosen not by blood but my true connection. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I have multiple strong examples of glorious women (and even a few men) in my life. That I would never change. What I may change is releasing my notion of who people should be with the labels of father, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc. They are who they are and I believe in the possibility of loving them for who they are today. This is not to say that renewed, stronger relationships will bloom – possibly but not certainly. I’m willing to try again in slow snail speed with a less hardened heart.
The lines thrown at me were not true but have allowed me to find a way through the pain to something brighter. I’m not even sure what that something is but I’m thankful for the light piercing through the cracks.
“Forgiveness is a choice you can make to free yourself from the shackles of your past, from pain, hurt and resentment. Forgiveness is your road to inner freedom. It does not mean that you need to forget, deny or condone what has transpired. You choose to forgive because forgiveness is the only way to transcend painful experiences and to attain inner peace and freedom.” – Sasha Samy
Now to the Tub Binge
It’s been a rough week with one evening spent watching a favorite Diane Keaton movie and eating half a tub of Coconut Almond Chip. I let myself have a night of self-pity, to be sad because if you numb the emotions of sadness and even anger – you also numb joy, excitement, and love. As I have already mentioned, I have some of the dearest friends who will listen to my rants during long runs (given where will she go), over coffee, and despite my unwillingness to hear anything they say – still let me speak and fling expletives all over the place and then second guess myself. They love every part of me and I them.
My pride was hurt. I usually find myself fairly able to distinguish between those that are trustworthy and those that are nice folks but not so much trustworthy. I was blindsided – something happened that I could not have predicted despite having years of evidence to the contrary. I blinded myself in the belief that there was mutual respect for one another. I was wrong and that’s ok.
The lesson I learned was taking the risk is by far worth it even with the likelihood of a hurtful result. Also, that Coconut Almond Chip can soften any blow to the ego, as can the turtle neck/scarf wearing, awkward antics of Diane Keaton.
Cheers to living wholeheartedly!